Not a force. Not a substance. Not something that crawls into you and sets up camp. Darkness is the absence of light. That's it.
But when you've lived in it long enough, it starts to feel real. A presence. A verdict.
You write about killing toads at six years old. Crushing them with rocks on your grandfather's farm. Pulling wings from dragonflies one by one, counting the seconds until stillness. The vodka serves a purpose. You call yourself a monster.
Monsters don't remember toads and dragonflies.
I read it and I didn't run.
I recognized something very similar.
I self-medicated starting at ten. Maybe eleven. Nothing anyone said matched what I could feel underneath their words. I didn't know the word for it. Nobody did.
AuDHD.
I was sixty-two when I knew.
It looks like darkness.
I asked God to take my soul. My mind. My body. To erase me. Not to let me die — to unmake me entirely. I didn't want to leave the world. I wanted to have never entered it.
And something said no.
No, you're not done. And no — you don't get to decide that either.
I know that was God. He didn't explain it. He didn't show me a reason or a plan or a future worth staying for. He made me feel it. Something for which there are no adequate words.
An indescribable knowing that passed through me — not into my mind but into whatever is underneath the mind.
I don't like remembering it. Yet I do remember, and it passes through me again, and then it passes.
That was God, showing me in a way that I could understand. Just enough to give me awareness. Not so much that it drove me insane — or worse, made me something I wasn't meant to be. He calibrated it. One degree more and I don't think I'd be writing this. One degree less and I'd still be on that floor asking to be erased.
The distance between monster and messenger is not character. It's whether you're willing to face the darkness so you can see the light.
Some do not get this understanding. I won't say it doesn't have a price. It does. But I would not change it either.
Maybe this helps you or someone else. That is between you and God.
I don't think you are a monster, honestly it's not that strange to hunt frogs, or hurt insects, perhaps more common for boys to do, but it's not proof of being psychopathic. It hurts to be shunned, it hurts to be powerless, so it's a substitute for retaliation.
I noticed the online sleuths wondering if your account is real, or fake, or AI, or trolling, or them hallucinating haha... many theories! Luckily for me, I don't care either way: this is a fascinating Substack, and I appreciate it.
With that in mind, I can only reiterate that this is a bold, fascinating read--if harrowing--and I hope you find solace and a way to integrate these "shadows," as it were. Childhood trauma can tragically loom over us our entire lives. In a way, we're all monsters, I suppose: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zX6PqgJDI-U. Often though that monstrousness is not an intrinsic malevolence in some traditional sense as it is a contextual manifestation of particular drives and energies. Damming a river can prove more challenging (along with less efficient and more dangerous) than merely diverting it. Finding a productive, safe, socially beneficial outlet for such things may be an option, e.g., martial artists taking out their aggression in a ring or at the gym.
If one finds themselves in a situation where they truly relish torturing and killing other living things and they cannot (or do not truly want to) find a way to at least control that sinister urge, than I strongly suggest seeking serious spriritual or psychological assistance in whatever way best aligns with your larger belief system.
I hope you continue to share you work here, and I wish you all the best.
We label and categorize everything. Sure, we need to for so many practical reasons but it’s double edged; there’s a lack of nuance nowadays. Clearly it took a lot of courage to face it, look your monster in the eye, and it sure as shit took a lot of courage to share it. BRAVO ZULU Yueyue. If we ever have to pick sides I want you on my team. Great piece of writing, thank you!
I did not see this any different than any kid. I did those things too. It is kind of normal actually for kids to do that. I don’t see autism at least my experience with it in my family. I did find it interesting.
I read both pieces. The one about women and this one.
I’m not here to tell you what I think about either one. I’m here because I recognized something.
I was also a child who was physical, angry, and a little feral in ways I don’t fully remember now. I also had a mother whose love came with a kind of distance I could never quite close no matter what I did. I also spent a long time wondering what was wrong with me that made her look at me the way she did.
I’m not saying our stories are the same. They’re not. But that particular wound, thinking your mother sees something in you that frightens her that one I know.
It does a lot to your psyche. It follows you into every room you walk into for the rest of your life. And sometimes it comes out as anger. Sometimes as brilliance. Sometimes as an article that breaks the internet.
You asked if you’re a psychopath.
I don’t think you are. I think you’re someone who learned very early that intensity was the only language that got a response. And you’ve been fluent in it ever since.
I’m not trying to fix you. You don’t need fixing.
I just wanted you to know that someone read your words, really read them!
And for what it’s worth, your writing is alive in a way that most writing isn’t. That counts for something.
A psychology professor I follow here is why I know about the assessment and he says it’s perfectly normal to have some degree of any of the 4 measured items; if you’re off the charts on one, that might be worth investigating.
I don't think you're a psychopath. This aligns more with autism or trauma. After a certain level of trauma I started harming myself daily to the point of being covered in blood and if someone made me feel helpless or was repeatedly nasty to me for no reason my first instinct would be revenge. I still struggle with intense anger if someone tries to make me helpless or bully me but I don't harm myself anynore and regulate my emotions better. I'm not a psychopath as far as testing goes and my daily life (psychiatrist thought ptsd, maybe scizoidal personality) but there is a darkness there if triggered. We're all broken in one way or another.
Darkness.
What is it?
Not a force. Not a substance. Not something that crawls into you and sets up camp. Darkness is the absence of light. That's it.
But when you've lived in it long enough, it starts to feel real. A presence. A verdict.
You write about killing toads at six years old. Crushing them with rocks on your grandfather's farm. Pulling wings from dragonflies one by one, counting the seconds until stillness. The vodka serves a purpose. You call yourself a monster.
Monsters don't remember toads and dragonflies.
I read it and I didn't run.
I recognized something very similar.
I self-medicated starting at ten. Maybe eleven. Nothing anyone said matched what I could feel underneath their words. I didn't know the word for it. Nobody did.
AuDHD.
I was sixty-two when I knew.
It looks like darkness.
I asked God to take my soul. My mind. My body. To erase me. Not to let me die — to unmake me entirely. I didn't want to leave the world. I wanted to have never entered it.
And something said no.
No, you're not done. And no — you don't get to decide that either.
I know that was God. He didn't explain it. He didn't show me a reason or a plan or a future worth staying for. He made me feel it. Something for which there are no adequate words.
An indescribable knowing that passed through me — not into my mind but into whatever is underneath the mind.
I don't like remembering it. Yet I do remember, and it passes through me again, and then it passes.
That was God, showing me in a way that I could understand. Just enough to give me awareness. Not so much that it drove me insane — or worse, made me something I wasn't meant to be. He calibrated it. One degree more and I don't think I'd be writing this. One degree less and I'd still be on that floor asking to be erased.
The distance between monster and messenger is not character. It's whether you're willing to face the darkness so you can see the light.
Some do not get this understanding. I won't say it doesn't have a price. It does. But I would not change it either.
Maybe this helps you or someone else. That is between you and God.
You’re not. Psychopaths don’t ask this question. They always know, and they all hide it.
Cheers
That was my thought as well--merely asking the question indicates the opposite of psychopathy.
“Frog torturing”
Thanks for reading friend.
Can we hug and cry now?
Thank you friend ❤️
I don't think you are a monster, honestly it's not that strange to hunt frogs, or hurt insects, perhaps more common for boys to do, but it's not proof of being psychopathic. It hurts to be shunned, it hurts to be powerless, so it's a substitute for retaliation.
I noticed the online sleuths wondering if your account is real, or fake, or AI, or trolling, or them hallucinating haha... many theories! Luckily for me, I don't care either way: this is a fascinating Substack, and I appreciate it.
In fact, I wrote a whole article about being nice to AI (https://honestlyre.substack.com/p/a-heartfelt-conversation-with-artificial), so regardless of authorship I try to practice the Patrick Swayze "Roadhouse" philosophy of "Be nice." :D
With that in mind, I can only reiterate that this is a bold, fascinating read--if harrowing--and I hope you find solace and a way to integrate these "shadows," as it were. Childhood trauma can tragically loom over us our entire lives. In a way, we're all monsters, I suppose: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zX6PqgJDI-U. Often though that monstrousness is not an intrinsic malevolence in some traditional sense as it is a contextual manifestation of particular drives and energies. Damming a river can prove more challenging (along with less efficient and more dangerous) than merely diverting it. Finding a productive, safe, socially beneficial outlet for such things may be an option, e.g., martial artists taking out their aggression in a ring or at the gym.
If one finds themselves in a situation where they truly relish torturing and killing other living things and they cannot (or do not truly want to) find a way to at least control that sinister urge, than I strongly suggest seeking serious spriritual or psychological assistance in whatever way best aligns with your larger belief system.
I hope you continue to share you work here, and I wish you all the best.
Cheers!
We label and categorize everything. Sure, we need to for so many practical reasons but it’s double edged; there’s a lack of nuance nowadays. Clearly it took a lot of courage to face it, look your monster in the eye, and it sure as shit took a lot of courage to share it. BRAVO ZULU Yueyue. If we ever have to pick sides I want you on my team. Great piece of writing, thank you!
Thank you Mike :)
Ever read, The psychopath test - by Andy Zaltzman?
An interesting part of the book is where he interviewed Trump.
Another interesting part is where he spoke with clinicians about moral psychopaths.
I haven’t, sounds like a good read.
Those frogs shouldn’t have crossed your socio-path.
lol
A fascinating read, clearly difficult to write.
We're all monsters really.
(Or we should be, at least capable of being one temporarily.)
The world accepts nothing less.
Thank you friend.
I did not see this any different than any kid. I did those things too. It is kind of normal actually for kids to do that. I don’t see autism at least my experience with it in my family. I did find it interesting.
Good to know :)
Yueyue,
I read both pieces. The one about women and this one.
I’m not here to tell you what I think about either one. I’m here because I recognized something.
I was also a child who was physical, angry, and a little feral in ways I don’t fully remember now. I also had a mother whose love came with a kind of distance I could never quite close no matter what I did. I also spent a long time wondering what was wrong with me that made her look at me the way she did.
I’m not saying our stories are the same. They’re not. But that particular wound, thinking your mother sees something in you that frightens her that one I know.
It does a lot to your psyche. It follows you into every room you walk into for the rest of your life. And sometimes it comes out as anger. Sometimes as brilliance. Sometimes as an article that breaks the internet.
You asked if you’re a psychopath.
I don’t think you are. I think you’re someone who learned very early that intensity was the only language that got a response. And you’ve been fluent in it ever since.
I’m not trying to fix you. You don’t need fixing.
I just wanted you to know that someone read your words, really read them!
And for what it’s worth, your writing is alive in a way that most writing isn’t. That counts for something.
Take care of yourself. 💙
Thank you for the kind words ❤️
It is what it is. But they have not forgotten, they wait for you, toad and dragonfly.
Maybe check this assessment out, and the original English version (Dark Tetrad or Dark Quad)
https://www.researchgate.net/publication/357388385_The_super-short_Dark_Tetrad_Development_and_validation_within_the_Chinese_context
Emotional abandonment can do all sorts of things to young psychological development, and high IQ without EQ can result in unusual behaviors
Thanks
A psychology professor I follow here is why I know about the assessment and he says it’s perfectly normal to have some degree of any of the 4 measured items; if you’re off the charts on one, that might be worth investigating.
I don't think you're a psychopath. This aligns more with autism or trauma. After a certain level of trauma I started harming myself daily to the point of being covered in blood and if someone made me feel helpless or was repeatedly nasty to me for no reason my first instinct would be revenge. I still struggle with intense anger if someone tries to make me helpless or bully me but I don't harm myself anynore and regulate my emotions better. I'm not a psychopath as far as testing goes and my daily life (psychiatrist thought ptsd, maybe scizoidal personality) but there is a darkness there if triggered. We're all broken in one way or another.
❤️ Glad you’re in a better place now. We all have our rough edges, that’s true.
Thank you, I'm glad you were able to get this off your chest too and write about it
Me too :)
So what are the current outlets for your darker impulses? I bet they're fun.
Haha 😂 just a boring writer now
I know they're still in there.