Flirting is having multiple personalities

Have fun and don't take yourself so seriously

Over in the internet sphere, New York Dating Anthropologist ’s post about his dating experience made me recoil in horror.

He thinks the fastest route from A to B is a straight line, and it is 99% of the time, but not in romance. The true way is going from A to Z, stop for gas at C, circle around D, and then, only then, can you make your way to B. Optimizing Google maps but for the most scenic route.

I had a high school female teacher who purposely drove a different route every day to work, for the sake of stimulation.

It takes longer for women to be aroused sexually, but this is also true for building attraction. There’s a great deal of coaxing involved, because you don’t wanna scare off the deer too soon. Emotional attachment starts with curiosity; you want to become the naughty voice at Pandora’s ear, nudging her to open the box and take a peek.

You need to learn how to engage a woman’s mind, and flirting is a great way to do that.

Given the quote above from NYDA, these are my predictions of his areas of weaknesses.

• “simple”

  • Seducing women is no simple matter.

  • It only becomes simple once you’re well-versed in pick-up artistry.

• “I was myself”

  • NO, not allowed. The self you show in public cannot and should not be the same self as you are alone.

  • Unless you’re the rare natural who can be charming as is, being yourself is the gateway to disaster.

  • You’re aiming for engagement over performance—not a clown but more like a spy.

  • Creating interest is an active pursuit, and you must make an effort towards the purpose of hitting the target.

• “communicative, direct”

  • Snooze-fest.

  • Did you also list out things you’re looking for in a relationship? How exciting.

  • A new person is a new toy, and in pushing their buttons, you figure out if you guys are compatible.

  • People might try to answer your questions honestly, even fooling themselves, but only time will tell how genuine they are.

• “did not manufacture intrigue”

  • Pourquoi pas??? If there’s no intrigue, it’s a dead dead horse.

  • How do you expect to find a life companion without mystery?

  • Intrigue is never manufactured, but sown like dandelions.

  • Is your plan to bore her to tears, and bore youself to death in the process?

• “did not appear busy”

  • Truly the stuff that wet dreams are made of.

  • She probably thinks she’s the only girl you’re talking to, which isn’t attractive, because optionality.

  • Let her feel like she’s earning your attention, because you’re awesome.

• “did not pretend indifference”

  • Gold star, astonishing character, deserves a whole harem of women for being such a symbol of male excellence.

  • It’s like saying I won’t use a shotgun to hunt because it makes a mess.

  • You see it as putting up an act, but it’s actually a self-protecting mechanism to ensure you don’t over-invest too soon. You ARE indifferent until the girl proves you shouldn’t be.

Because every person is different, proper flirtation requires tweaking your own personality slightly. It’s not being fake, but rather highlighting certain aspects more than others. A smart court jester knows the Queen is not amused by the same things as her ladies-in-waiting.

Considering his short quote says “I” x4 I would wager he was mostly thinking about what he was doing in the interaction. But a chemical reaction only happens when you’re attuned to the other. It’s helpful to pour your energy onto the girl instead of worrying about what you’re doing. She will sense this and can’t help but be drawn to your attentiveness—I know this from being on the receiving end.

What is flirting?

Flirting is seduction without the end game.

It’s mentos in coke but kept at a simmering pace, as if inviting a playmate into your world without holding nefarious motives. It’s really about enjoying the moment, each other’s company, and having a few belly laughs together.

If you must think of a goal to reach towards, it’s tickling the other person’s mind. So have fun. It’s criminal to be a bore, another drab of grey that blends into the curtains.

Here’s the core principles of good flirting:

1. Tension

2. Stakes

3. Excitement

4. Arousal

5. Suspense

A balancing act of constantly feeling off-balance.

Although I do have examples later in this post, for now, I want you to focus on the effects of good flirting instead of getting fixated on definitions. The specific action or words you choose are less important than the reaction received. Let your mind linger on jokes that landed, as data points for future pattern mapping.

With shy girls you have to take a backseat, allow time to reset after each blush, and warm them up slowly like toasting muffins. Too much heat too soon will produce charred results. With bold gals, you can typically get away with projecting a more mercurial aura to keep them jovial.

The key here is to balance the dynamic in order to keep the conversation effortless. Yes, there’s more work on you if she can’t hold a convo, but who else will do it? I find in those cases it works best to just keep asking them questions, because the more they talk the more they calm down…and the more they start to like you.

The best male flirts I’ve encountered all had the uncanny ability to relax my nervous system. They were funny in a subtle manner, infusing delight into humdrum topics with a pun here and an analogy there; nothing felt forced, flowing in the conversation like a fish swimming with the current, and I just happened to be the plankton that tagged along for the ride. They seemed at ease, which puts me at ease too.

If you’re not comfortable with each other within 20min then it’s probably a lost cause. Establishing rapport doesn’t usually take that long, but if that time threshold passes and I’m still uneasy, then I bolt. Of course, most girls are too polite to do this, but you can tell they’ve mentally checked-out by the flat responses and glazed over look.

A seasoned flirt knows how to adjust the temperature so it’s to the exact liking of each victim. People love attention, but they each have their unique preferences of the type and intensity, and it’s up to you to figure out their nuclear codes. Every person is an enigma, but knowing how their personality maps to your previous conquests will make the process much more efficient.

Becoming a smooth operator is getting the other person to chillax as soon as possible. It’s like sales but the product in this case is you. Sure, your friends and your mom thinks you’re great, but a newcomer isn’t going to appreciate all of your glory unless they’re made aware of your charms. Once their defence lowers, that’s when you introduce the hook, ideally at the first sign of vulnerability.

Within the first date, there’s one question on their minds, “do I want to see this person again?” If you’re not memorable enough to leave a nice impression, then better luck next time.

There’s levels to this game, once you’ve established a baseline level of banter, it’s time to turn up the dial. Women won’t tell you this, they just expect you to read their minds. It’s unfair, but you must indulge their fantasy of being coddled.

As a man, you have to act like a murder mystery, women’s favourite form of reading material. The secret to piquing their interest is to keep them on their toes, which means learning psychological warfare. It sounds mean, manipulative, and dark, but gentlemen…women want to be played with, so give the market what it’s asking for. You’re not being an awful person, you’re just satisfying demand with supply, pure economics 101.

At this point there’s a few traps men fall into:

• She’s out of my league:

  • Nobody is above you unless you think that way.

  • Even if she fetches a significantly higher sexual market value than you, you can still put in your bid.

  • No matter how pretty she is, force yourself to see her as just another woman.

  • Do not text her after the date with “sorry I was nervous because you’re very pretty” because it will kill the vibe.

  • If you put her on a pedestal she will trample you.

• Coma by consistency:

  • Women are great at reading capacity for excitement.

  • Instead of stressing about what to say or do, focus on stabilizing your own sense of self.

  • We’re disgusted when you project the image of a “good boyfriend” by following all the rules.

  • There’s no leadership potential in someone worried about colouring inside the lines.

  • "The eyes, chico, they never lie" refers to the art of mastering energy. Women don’t want you to treat them in a predictable manner, but they do want to see you hold a consistent internal landscape when she looks into your eyes, so learn to stabilize your ego.

• Trying too hard:

  • Attraction is not trying to pull the other person closer, it’s you generating so much aura that they have no choice but to fall into orbit.

  • You can’t impress by wanting to impress.

  • You can only create distance and see if the other person tries to close it. Push and pull is a pretty effective method to gauge interest.

To help you stay grounded, imagine you’re in a tug-of-war. At every moment you’re acutely aware of where the centre is: whether it’s closer to your end or the opposite. In the same way, flirting is using tactics to move the centre of power to your end, but only slightly, otherwise the whole thing collapses. It’s not trying to conquer so much as keeping the other party emotionally invested. Having game is just knowing how the game works, and acting accordingly.

“But I don’t know HOW!”

Remember, you can flirt with anyone. That’s the first mental hurdle you must overcome. As an energy exchange, you can disregard their marital status since it’s just engaging in harmless banter. Obviously be respectful, but just because someone is married it doesn’t mean they’re dead.

You can get away with saying pretty outlandish things if you have good intent behind the words.

To master flirting, you must see it as the ultimate goal, like playing tag. The moment you use it as a means to an end (relationship), the fun stops.

This female customer at a bakery once called me cheeky for saying something unconventional. She verbally expressed displeasure but on the inside she was delighted, and for a brief moment there was a spark in her eyes.

You can verbally spar with the old, the young, and everybody in between. Although it’s heavily associated with sexuality, it’s so much broader than that.

At its core, it’s essentially teasing. Without explicitly saying it outright, you’re expressing a certain affection, a closeness that bonds you to each other. There’s no better ice-breaker than to reach towards others in this manner.

However, while you can make the first move, it’s important to remain aware of their receptiveness to your advances. It takes two to tango, and you can’t win by pressing against a stonewall.

A dog doesn’t worry an unwilling bitch.

-And Quiet Flows the Don

You can’t play games by yourself.

Flirting works when the other person feels adored, like they’re special. None of us are objectively unique, but it’s a breath of fresh air when someone takes the trouble to make us laugh.

Flirting is examining the holistic experience. You’re not mining for information, but rather gleaning insight based on wordplay. The objective here is to have fun, not prove a point, not impressing them, there’s no destination except the journey itself.

There’s nuance to the type of flirting each person prefers, but I’m lucky in that I’m content to play along with whatever style the other person likes. The faster you can figure out the wavelength they enjoy, the faster you can start the dance.

To move as one you must sync your energy to theirs. Harmony is what good banter feels like—perfect motion that looks like stillness.

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When you expand your reality of what’s possible, flirting becomes like second-nature. By seeking to put the girl in a good mood, she will repay your kindness down the road, or at the very least, you added some happiness to both of your timelines.

There’s nothing worse than an honest man in dating, because love has no rules. The morals you love so much, of being “authentic”, is a woman repellent.

If you pay attention, transgression is the only correct attitude when it comes to catching fish. In corruption we trust that women will love us, even if only briefly.

~Yueyue

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